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The Latest Political Humor - O'Brien - Leno - Letterman
Hillary likes to squat in a duck blind wearing a camouflage pantsuit.
Hillary says she actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern.
Today, Hillary Clinton got the support of the wives of the polygamy sect.
Tomorrow is the primary, and Hillary is trying to appeal to the working class. Today, she was campaigning in her blue-collar pantsuit.
Pennsylvania primary today. Heres the problem with the primaries: The Democrats are spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election.
Hillary is trying to convince people she is a hunter. So she showed up wearing a beaver-pelt pantsuit.
She trying to convince voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. Cmon, if she were really pro-gun, Bill would be dead.
It was so nice out today that Hillary Clinton wore her pantsuit without the pants.
What a beautiful day. Its 75 and sunny . . .so beautiful, Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named June.
Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Exhausted
10. Spends most of her time campaigning in Sleepy's mattress stores
9. Barely has enough energy to lie about battling Bosnian snipers
8. Last night, spent 2 hours debating a coat rack
7. Agreed not to dispute Florida and Michigan delegates in exchange for a nap
6. Announced a new tax break for kitties
5. Greeted Philadelphia voters with, "It's great to be back in Tacoma!"
4. She's mismatching her pantsuits
3. When asked how she'd fight terrorism, she said, "Two words: Iron Man"
2. 3 a.m. phone call? "Let the machine get it"
1. So tired, she actually crawled in to bed with Bill
-- David Letterman
The other night I watched "Big Brother" and "Criminal Minds." Not the TV shows, the debate between Barack and Hillary.
With oil prices hitting an all time high, Barack Obama today promised that if hes elected, hell fund research into a car that runs on the bitterness of economically strapped Pennsylvania voters.
Today Barack Obama accused the Pope of clinging to religion. He said the guy just clings to religion.
Hillary Clinton still attacking Barack Obama. She said that Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked so many questions. She said, If you cant stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Dont confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton: When hes in heat, stay out of the Oval Office.
In Pennsylvania, Hillary and Obama celebrated Earth Day by throwing dirt at each other.
Everyone is doing their part. In New York City Eliot Spitzer asked two hookers if theyd carpool to his hotel.
Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary by 10 points. Barack got beaten so badly that today he offered her the spot of vice president.
Hillary was thrilled she got the double-digit victory. Bill said he hasnt seen her this happy since before he married her.
Even though she won, Hillarys campaign is $10 million in debt. Ironically, her big issue? I can handle the economy.
All three candidates made an appearance on the WWE Monday Night Raw. I wonder how many people think the candidates appearing on a wrestling show cheapens the political process . . . I wonder how many people think having the candidates appear on a wrestling show cheapens the wrestling show . . .
After that long, drawn-out primary in Pennsylvania, our choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama, and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestling names: the Geezer, the Pleaser, or the Freezer.
Big announcement today from the Hillary Clinton campaign. She says if you count the votes that don't count, she's winning.
As you know, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now arguing over who has received the most overall votes during the primaries. Hillary's people have one way of counting, the popular vote, and Barack's people have another way of counting. I'm beginning to understand why the Democrats keep blowing all these elections they haven't figured out how to count votes.
China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead.
-- Leno
This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, Ive never seen so many women with my moms haircut.
This morning, Hillary Clinton said that she will stay in the presidential race even if she loses the Pennsylvania primary. She also said she will stay in the race even if she loses the nomination and Novembers election.
The other day, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars too, but he wasnt campaigning.
Big win for Hillary Clinton last night. In her victory speech last night, she repeatedly used the words, "fight," "fighter," "fighting." Then she said, Enough about my marriage.
Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe.
After the Pennsylvania primary, Barack Obama has resigned himself for a long, drawn-out battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, Yeah . . . join the club.
-- Conan O'Brien
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